conversion story

Earlier this week, I was asked to describe how I had come to faith in Jesus and received forgiveness of my sins. My mind went back to five years old, alone in a dark bedroom, afraid of being sent to hell.

As a little girl, I told my parents that I didn’t believe in God. I couldn’t see him! But I had been going to AWANA and Sunday School and knew what to do when the fear of hell struck. I prayed, still alone in a dark bedroom, a little sinner’s prayer. I don’t remember what I said, but it could have gone something like this: “Dear God, I confess that I am a sinner. I believe that Jesus died on the cross to save me from my sins. I trust you to forgive me.” Did I, as a little self-proclaimed atheist, really believe at that moment?

I don’t know how much that matters. Here’s what happened next: Jesus entered my imagination in glory. I saw light radiating from him, and I felt his favor. I remember drawing pictures of this vision with crayons later. I remember wanting to tell everyone what God had done for me. I believed because he revealed himself to me.

In recounting this story, I was moved by how little I did to deserve that gift of the presence and favor of Jesus. I was a child and didn’t even have childlike faith! All I had was maybe a heart that was open to God for the first time. I hadn’t done anything yet, become anything yet, believed the right things yet, and still (and maybe because of that) God could break in.

I remembered other times since that I’ve felt the presence and love of God or heard a word from him. I can’t think of a single time when I was doing something to make me believe I deserved it. And yet, I still live the lie that I must make myself something for God. Every day. But I’m weary and worn and sad and I just can’t do enough.

No. I must resist the lie and make myself nothing. Maybe then, my eyes will be on him instead of myself. I’ll have a heart humble to receive him. I’ll feel his unmerited and unending favor again, just like the night when I was afraid of the dark of hell but saw the light of Christ instead.